When I started planning this wedding, I had one rule I wanted to live by: Everything should be exactly as it would have been if my Mother was still alive. But it became clear early on that this was an impossible dream. Eric and I have still tried to keep her in mind with a lot of the decisions, but I knew there was a big issue on the horizon and I tried to put it off as long as possible.

The etiquette books say that you are not supposed to mention a deceased parent on an invitation because it might make people sad, for an occasion that is supposed to be happy. From the first moment I read that, I knew it was written by someone who had not lost a parent. It angered me, at the very suggestion that my Mother would not be appearing on this invitation, because, well, she would have been on the invitation if she was alive.

But the more I read, and the more times I heard that etiquette repeated, the more it started to sink in. It was probably an inevitability. We met with someone at our local invitation store, and she once again reiterated that it was not a good idea to mention a deceased parent because, “Dead people don’t host parties”.

Eric and I were sitting at dinner, after the meeting, and I was clearly upset at what she had said. And then Eric, in the sweet way he always knows what I’m thinking, said very directly, “I don’t care if people get sad when they read the invitation. We’re sad everyday. If reading the invitation gives them a hint of sadness, then guess what? That’s exactly what this wedding is going to be, an extremely happy event with a hint of sadness.” I love this guy.

So, we’ve decided to ditch Emily Post (at least on this point) and use a wording which mentions my Mother on the invitation. We hope that seeing her name sparks a happy memory and a smile, instead of sadness.

However, it is important to note that my Mother would probably not be in favor of this decision, and, if she were here, would have told us to stick to etiquette and not make such a big deal over her. Too bad, Mom, you’re too important to leave out.